As many of you may know already, a few years ago I had a very frightening experience that made me decide to quit having sex with men entirely. I wasn't even interested in having sex with a woman who slept with men, I wanted so little to do with the male sex. For a long time, I convinced myself that I simply didn't desire men anymore & even went so far as to publicly identify as a lesbian, just to cement my decision.
Well, this isn't the truth about me & recent events have made me realize just how much I was lying to myself. But, when it comes to sex, I have discovered that it really isn't about truth or lies, because sex isn't that black & white. Sexuality is a mostly gray area that we muddle through over the course of our lives, evading all of the defining labels we try to put on it.
So, again I am left without a category. No easy way to define myself. No neat little box I fit into. I wrote this blog to honestly discuss my sexual preferences & perhaps somehow weed out a label. Kind of a ridiculous endeavor, I know, but it'll be good for me, so here goes....
I've always known I favored women over men. On the Kinsey scale, I'm a pretty solid 4. All of the men I've dated have been fairly androgynous & most of them have been bisexual. I'm uncomfortable around straight men, they are too aggressive about getting into my pants. When it comes to who I'm attracted to, it really has little to do with biology, I think it has more to do with gender identity. I don't like overly masculine energy, it makes me uncomfortable & it does not turn me on. But, that doesn't mean I'm not attracted to men, quite the contrary. There are many men who have enough feminine characteristics to make me drool all over them.
I prefer women. I like their smell, feel, look & taste better then that of men. Biologically, I like women better. I don't like hairy, stinky, dirty boys. :P Too much testosterone...Blech... I hate facial hair with a fiery passion, too prickly. But, I'm also turned off by overly butch women, especially drag Kings...again, too masculine...
I'm fairly comfortable with identifying as a Lesbian, I just don't like the idea that this somehow limits me to expressing only one side of my sexuality. A few months ago, I started a Femme lesbian group & I realized just how exclusive lesbians tend to be. There are only a few girls in the group with whom I feel really connected & I found myself censoring the topics of conversation, so as not to ruffle any feathers. I'm not comfortable with lying to my friends about anything, I can't really say they are true friends if they don't accept me for who I am, honestly.
I don't feel comfortable with the label bisexual, because I don't consider myself bi. I don't like guys that much. But I don't feel I can call myself gay either because I'm not exclusively attracted to women. And I am certainly not straight. ;) I think queer is a term I'm pretty comfortable with these days...not so limiting...I also like pansexual. Basically, I like sex. Mostly with women, or pretty, androgynous men. I like touching & cuddling & kissing & orgasms. I love my body & I want to enjoy it. I guess that also means I fit into the hedonist box. ;)
I want to surround myself with people who are open-minded about sex & sexuality. As much as I love my lesbian sisters, I just don't feel comfortable limiting my sexual experiences to only women. Although my experience in the past scared me, letting it affect me now will only give it power over me. I choose to not live in fear, I choose a limitless world. Limitless choice...it doesn't mean I want everything that is out there, but I have the CHOICE to want or not want whatever...I'm no longer limited by a label.
Of course, figuring this out has brought to light other issues that I am now sorting through, but I am emerging on the other side with a much more open view of the world & a new perspective on relationships & family. Astrologically, my generation is dealing with new definitions of relationships & family, especially marriage. This generation will form family units that defy current, as well as traditional roles & ideas. I am proud to be a part of this generation & I choose to embrace the idea of loving relationships that cross all boundaries & defy all categories. Love is not limited to two people, one male, one female who are legally bound to each other. I want to be a part of a world that openly embraces me, regardless of the box I happen to fit into. Gandhi once said "Be the change you wish to see in the world." That is what I'm choosing to do now. I am going to be open to love in all of it's forms, because that is the world I'd like to exist in.
Locus: my throne
I'm Feeling: anxious
Background Noise: Blue Eyes~Cary Brothers